Monday, July 26, 2010

I just needed to vent.

My silent tears sting the back of my throat. They cloud my vision, blurring reality, but not one makes the quiet journey to my cheek. Red-eyed, I stare at the mirror, not seeing it, contemplating what I've done, said, who I've hurt. In four hours, I have screwed up in so many ways, but I've learned so much. I have felt, really felt, close to someone; I have said things that I've been wanting to say for a long time. I have laughed through the pain, sorrow, and disappointing teen antics, and I have come out mostly in tact. And now the one person that I've hurt the most tonight is downstairs, making me a pizza that I don't deserve.

Maybe I'm being dramatic, but I'm thirteen years old and I don't understand anything. I don't know how to love, how to deal with things, or how to explain something without making someone feel stupid, or angry, or hurt, even if that person is me. People underestimate a young person's emotions so much and so often. Today, I said I was a child, jokingly, to get into a movie. I didn't realize how true it was, until now. And I know that things could be worse, that I could have gotten in a lot more trouble, but right now, in this moment, there is nothing worse than knowing that your father is so disappointed, or hurt, that he can't even punish me. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he isn't disappointed, or hurt. But I am. With myself.

I knew I should have told him so much more, every detail, asking his permission, telling him where I was going, what was happening. It's not like I did anything bad, or wrong, or illegal- but I might as well have. I lost my parent's trust, and he just said, this is how we learn. He didn't lecture me, or punish me, or explain to me what I did. He didn't take away any privileges, or possessions, or plans. Maybe he saw the grief in my eyes, or heard the tears in my throat, or knew that I had learned my lesson. And right now I love him more than anyone in the world. And my sister is mad at him, when it should be vice versa.

And the second person I love the most right now- is Mark. He understood when I told him about my vacation woes, he took responsibility for this whole fiasco, he listened when I explained my sister's comlpexity, and agreed with everything I said, and actually made me feel, if possible, better. I felt like I had someone I could rely on, someone I could tell anything to, someone I could laugh with, or cry with, or scream with, and would take it all in and still love me for who I am. Sure, he has a million faults, but he has a million and one ways to make me smile. And guess how many of those are faults?


Did any of that make sense?

Friday, July 9, 2010

I've been playing The Script's CD on an endless loop for an hour and a half. I love them so much.
My Fourth of July was kind of lame, except Cailin and I baked a cake (: It was red velvet with blue icing and Independence Day sprinkles! Delicious. We didn't really celebrate until July 5th when we went to our friend's pool and grilled out at her house. It was so fun.
We tie-dyed shirts with that same friend on Wednesday in my driveway. My shirt is orange with blue and fuscia sunbursts on it, and I also painted headphones and an iPod on a plain red tee. We had pizza with them and today we're going to paint pottery. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I'm excited, but I don't know. I have no idea what pottery I'm going to do. Probably a little bowl or plate to put all my rings in.

So, I found my notebook from Power of the Pen. I had a lot of random things to say about the experience. I really liked a couple bits:

Power of the Pen has taught me to open up to the world, and to let out some of my emotions in a creative way.
In an odd way, Power of the Pen brought me closer to my mom. We were never really that close to begin with. I think it proved that I was capable of opening up, and it gave me confidence in myself. And seeing my mom so proud of me really made an impact.
That last part was a bunch in the stomach for me. I don't really tell my mom much, and I spend a lot of the time arguing with her. Last night, I was really mean to her, and she tried to be especially nice for the rest of the night. It was over something really stupid, too.
I must go, our friend is here.
Hope the rest of your summer is great,