I just needed to vent.

My silent tears sting the back of my throat. They cloud my vision, blurring reality, but not one makes the quiet journey to my cheek. Red-eyed, I stare at the mirror, not seeing it, contemplating what I've done, said, who I've hurt. In four hours, I have screwed up in so many ways, but I've learned so much. I have felt, really felt, close to someone; I have said things that I've been wanting to say for a long time. I have laughed through the pain, sorrow, and disappointing teen antics, and I have come out mostly in tact. And now the one person that I've hurt the most tonight is downstairs, making me a pizza that I don't deserve.

Maybe I'm being dramatic, but I'm thirteen years old and I don't understand anything. I don't know how to love, how to deal with things, or how to explain something without making someone feel stupid, or angry, or hurt, even if that person is me. People underestimate a young person's emotions so much and so often. Today, I said I was a child, jokingly, to get into a movie. I didn't realize how true it was, until now. And I know that things could be worse, that I could have gotten in a lot more trouble, but right now, in this moment, there is nothing worse than knowing that your father is so disappointed, or hurt, that he can't even punish me. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he isn't disappointed, or hurt. But I am. With myself.

I knew I should have told him so much more, every detail, asking his permission, telling him where I was going, what was happening. It's not like I did anything bad, or wrong, or illegal- but I might as well have. I lost my parent's trust, and he just said, this is how we learn. He didn't lecture me, or punish me, or explain to me what I did. He didn't take away any privileges, or possessions, or plans. Maybe he saw the grief in my eyes, or heard the tears in my throat, or knew that I had learned my lesson. And right now I love him more than anyone in the world. And my sister is mad at him, when it should be vice versa.

And the second person I love the most right now- is Mark. He understood when I told him about my vacation woes, he took responsibility for this whole fiasco, he listened when I explained my sister's comlpexity, and agreed with everything I said, and actually made me feel, if possible, better. I felt like I had someone I could rely on, someone I could tell anything to, someone I could laugh with, or cry with, or scream with, and would take it all in and still love me for who I am. Sure, he has a million faults, but he has a million and one ways to make me smile. And guess how many of those are faults?


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Did any of that make sense?

Random Tidbits You Were DYING To Know

- i spent Saturday night at La Rosa's with some very interesting people -

- today i won the seventh grade homeroom Catholic Schools Week essay contest -

- i also won Cassie's photography contest: edited landscape -

- i wrestled a high school sophmore this weekend. he sat on me. we are not related -

- i went all day without even noticing that i was wearing 2 different socks of the same color scheme. no one else noticed either -

- when i was little i was obsessed with dress up and that game where you get jewelry and tiaras as you play. i made my dad wear the tiara -

- sometimes i take pictures of random people without them knowing if i think their outfit is cool -

- i am totally allowed to use these random facts for other tags, awards, or milestones -

- i am half asleep -

Nighttime Musings <(")

Here are some random things I wrote down in my notebook on Friday night. They don't make a lot of sense, but I loved them so, here they are!

Crying. The dark can do that to a person. If I just curl up, and close my eyes, and tell myself I'm sad for just a moment, I'll feel as if life isn't worth living anymore.
Then I think of love, and color, of lives, the world and the sky, music, and, dare I say it, myself. Then, in a swirl of brightness and beautiful, glorious sound, I am once again a child, being born again out of possibilities and hope, a new dawn and a new person. And then I fall asleep, only to wake up just another 12 year old.

It is better to cry with someone than to cry alone.
It is good to hug someone, even if no one hugs back.
Let it OUT.

Freedom

Eep! I'm free!

OMfrappingG. if i explained it to you, it wouldn't sound to bad. but trust me, if you were stuck in a science lab with an insanely monotone woman who pronounces color as "collar" for 45 minutes, you would draw cartoon radishes too. me and meg maintained our sanity by playing with blocks and making faces every time the teacher called me Bre. is Breanne so long you have to shorten it to Bre? and her monotonous little voice lingers on the E and gives it a sound of finality that makes you think her sentence is over when it isn't. i enjoyed the poster exclaming "The Magic of Ice" though. ((sigh)) do i really care about phosphates and turbidity?

but I'm free, free, free. and its snowing. with 50 mph winds. cross your appendages and hope it sticks.